Blog Number Three

It has been more than six months since my last blog. To my faithful reader, I apologize, however, there is a perk to withholding six months of pent up rage: I have a lot of inner bitching to exude.

Some people are just useless. I must attack stupid people. I see them everywhere walking around, and the worst part is they are so stupid that they don't even know they're stupid. Stupid girls walk around in their one-size-too-small tanktops, not knowing they look like an overstuffed turkey on Thanksgiving. They get impregnated and saunter around aimlessly wishing they were on Mtv. Stupid males walk around with their pants hanging off of their asses not knowing they look like they don't know their fathers. The worst part of these stupid people is they somehow seek out other stupid people, mate, and produce stupid offspring. It's a vicious cycle. You would think there was an aptitude test of some sort for these stupid people. Well, your source of light in such a dark time has finally arrived: I have devised that test.

Question #1: What is wrong with this statement: Little Timmy, accidentally shot the dog, with his dad's revolver.
A. One too many commas.
B. There should be no commas.
C. There are not enough commas.
D. If Timmy had been locked in the closet, he would have known not to play with his dad's things.

The answer is B. If you don't know basic grammar, you should be studying instead of philandering. If you thought the answer was D, you must have no soul; good luck playing chess with Hitler when you're burning in Hell.

Question #2: Find x: 2(x-12)=2(x/4)
A. 12
B. 16
C. It's beside the 2(
D. 4

The answer is B. If you didn't know that, have yourself fixed because you are unfit to reproduce. Moron.

Question #3: What is (12 x 12)/ 12?
A. 12
B. 12
C. 12
D. I'm an idiot.

Really? If you can't perform basic math functions, how do you expect to pay bills, let alone pay for college.

Question #4: What does the word 'assiduous' mean?
A. compelling
B. hard to understand
C. overbearing
D. hard working

The answer is D. If you don't know what it means, chances are it doesn't describe you, so don't have kids.

Question #5: How many friends do you have on Facebook?
A. under 50
B. over 50
C. over 100
D. over 200

If your answer is anything but A, you apparently have 'become a fan' of being young and immature. How on earth do you expect to raise a human being?

Question #6: If someone is from Russia, they are considered what?
A. Asian
B. a communist
C. always cold
D. pale

The answer is A. If you thought it was anything other, not only are you stupid, but a bigot. Stay a virgin. In fact, join a religious sect where sex is forbidden.

Question #7: What is the big apple?
A. Vermont
B. New York City
C. oversized fruit in the county fair
D. a nickname for Gwyneth Paltrow and Chris Martin's daughter

The answer is and can only be, B. If you didn't know, then not only are you stupid, but you don't deserve to be an American, or have kids. Congratulations, you have now become Tom Cruise. Enjoy your winnings.

The Final Question #8: How many licks does it take to get to the center of a Tootsie Pop?
A. approximately 1,224
B. approximately 1,497
C. exactly 778
D. Why the hell would I be eating candy? It's bad for my teeth and would be bad for my child's teeth. I'm not going to set a bad example for my child.

If you picked D, you're trying too hard. Kids love candy, so allowing your kid a measly sucker every once in a while isn't the worst that could happen. The worst that could happen is they go Mendez on you or shoot everyone in their school. Either way, you're toast.

Anyone who has function above the brain stem would have not missed any questions on this test, but I realize concussed football players and liberals need a little grading curve. So if you scored a six or above, you are fit to reproduce. Have fun feeding, burping, scraping, wiping, dumping, and raising a child. Hopefully they won't suck, but if they do make sure you kill them and end the cycle.

If your score was less than six, you know what to do. Call the doctor and schedule an appointment to get fixed.

Your stupid is way better than mine,
Stocknasty